Managing Your Child’s Tantrums…or as I like to call it…I hate you! I hate you! I HATE YOU!

It is 1pm and my 4-year old daughter is shouting from her bedroom that she hates me. This is at least the 3rd time today that she has expressed her serious dislike of me and my ideas of what she should or should not be allowed to do. This time, she is taking issue with my not allowing her to kick her brother. As I stand there, listening to this rant filled with tears and sobs about how she wants to run away to live with her grandmother and how I am the “worst mother ever,” the door slams in my face. Okay, at this point, I truly thought that there was a 14-year old trapped in my daughter’s body. How this happened, I haven’t a clue. I could feel my blood bubbling over and I was stunned into silence. However, I was able to remember something very important. As a therapist, I provide advice daily to parents who are struggling with children who have tantrums. So armed with this knowledge, I knocked on her door…

So what do you do when your child is in the middle of a tantrum proclaiming that they hate you?

First, it is important to consider the age of your child and their understanding of various words or phrases. For preschoolers, they often say things that they have heard peers, adults or even parents say in moments of anger or frustration; however, cognitively, they do not really understand the meaning and impact of such words. It is only logical that children repeat these things when upset or emotionally overwhelmed. So, are you really hated or is your child angry and expressing it in the only way they know how.

Second, stay calm and attempt to help your child calm. No matter how shocked, frustrated or upset you are, reacting negatively will only make matters worse. Remember you are a role model for your child, so set a positive example. Later you can vent with your spouse or a friend. In the meantime, set limits in a calm and quiet voice. Be firm but not harsh. Let your child know that you want to talk but can’t do so unless the screaming stops.

Finally, no matter how long it takes, once you finally succeed in starting a conversation listen to and validate your child’s thoughts and feelings and also share yours. Later, with my daughter curled in my lap, we talked about what the word hate means, why people say it, and how it made me feel to hear her say it to me. I was also able to provide her with alternative acceptable ways of expressing her anger as opposed to hitting or slamming doors. In the end apologies and hugs were exchanged and smiles returned to our faces…that is until the next time that 14-year old surfaces again…

Kimberly A. Mula, PsyD…with the assistance of Paulette Janus, LCSW