Where’s my trophy: Do children always get a reward for participating?

It’s been awhile since I last wrote about the antics of my 5-year old daughter. However, tonight I could not help but feel her sadness, frustration and jealousy as she shed countless tears because her brother won his 2nd sports trophy. As she began to calm down, my daughter was able to elaborate that she did not understand why her brother received trophies for playing baseball and basketball. My first thought was this is going to be easy since she was not a member of a sports team. However, I lost some of my confidence when she pointed out that even though she does not play on a sports team, she has been taking dance lessons and performing in recitals for the past 2 years.

Once again, she has stumped me. Initially, I tried to rationally explain that she gets to wear fancy costumes and perform in a recital at the end of each year. We talked about how she received flowers from family members as well as a ballerina bunny from her aunt. However, she continued to argue that she deserved a trophy in recognition of all her hard work.

I was surprised by how thoughtfully she stated her case and laid out her complaint. First, she declared that after spending an entire year learning multiple dance routines, she deserved a reward. So, I naturally begin to explain to her how she is rewarded for her efforts when she performs the routines on stage for an audience who applauds her and her friends’ efforts. Well that didn’t work and she went to mumbling about how unfair life was and why do boys always get trophies and girls only get flowers. Next, she stated that remembering a dance routine was harder than learning to dribble a ball. This was followed by her assertion that she could out hit and out run most of her brother’s baseball and basketball teammates. She also stated that she would love to see any of the boys try to dance without falling down. Thankfully, she was calm enough to go to bed that night peacefully.

The following morning as she got ready for school, she continued to grumble about the lack of fairness in the world. Again, I tried to help her understand that her learning multiple dance routines is a wonderful and amazing accomplishment. That being able to perform in front of a large audience is a reward in and of itself. She shook her head and walked into school without saying goodbye. That was Tuesday morning.

It is now Thursday and we arrive at dance class just in time to hear her friends start to talk about getting a trophy at the end of the year. Apparently, my 5-year old rallied the troops at school getting all her friends to agree with her position. I guess my attempts to explain that the actual reward is a job well done as opposed to a trophy failed. I also took a step back and thought about a five-year olds’ understanding of the concepts success, achievement and recognition. I had to remind myself that in her world success at home or at school equals some sort of reward. Realistically, she has a good day at school, she gets a sticker. She spells all her spelling words correctly, she gets a smiley face. If she completes her chores at home she gets to put a star on her responsibility chart. While she is praised for her efforts and encouraged to try again or practice if she makes a mistake, she is also given tangible rewards for her efforts. Therefore, am I expecting too much when I expect her to fully understand that her reward for taking dance lessons is learning to a dance? I also wondered how I would help her understand why her brother gets trophies for participating in sporting events when I cannot come to a clear answer myself. Why is it that we get trophies only for being a part of a competition and not for participating in a class? I realized it was time to consult with other parents who may be facing a similar dilemma.

So, I found myself engaged in a conversation with the other moms retelling my daughter’s argument. While everyone found the humor in the tale they also agreed with her position. As a result, four women spent 90 minutes attempting to decide whether it would be wrong to purchase trophies for their daughters to applaud all their hard work and success. On the other hand, we all agreed that we want to instill in our children the value of hard work and we fear that always providing a tangible reward will undermine that process. To say the least, no decision was made and four moms went home to “think” this through. What do you think? Who knows what next week will bring. I’ll keep you posted.

Kimberly Mula, Psy.D.