Your Developing Teen: What Is “Normal”?

Parents often feel frustrated by the constant need to redirect their teen’s behavior, feeling that whatever they say or do doesn’t seem to work.  All these failed attempts to guide one’s teen can lead to conflicts over just about everything. While teens perceive their parents as “nags” who know nothing about their life, parents feel that their child has been taken over by an alien life form.

When I speak with parents about their teenager’s concerning behaviors and tell them “this is normal,” they often look surprised and bewildered.  How can such emotional drama, irritability, poor judgment, poor impulse control, and unhealthy eating and sleeping habits can be seen as normal? Also, how do parents effectively manage this time of intense physical, cognitive and emotional growth?

Research has proven that a teenager’s brain undergoes significant developmental changes during adolescence. On top of structural changes in one’s brain, hormonal changes also impact brain function influencing both social behavior and stress responses. While the intellectual abilities of a teen’s brain are similar to an adult’s, the teen brain’s emotional functioning, and ability to exert emotional control is not fully developed. Think of it as driving a racecar with your foot on the accelerator for the first time ever.  Just like a racecar driver has to learn to regulate his speed, teens need practice in the regulation of their thoughts and feelings. They can benefit from thoughtful feedback regarding their reactions to life events.  Without such support, they can encounter problems with self-regulation, poor tolerance to stress, and often act on impulse without consideration of the consequences.

Here are some helpful thoughts:

First, because teenagers often feel that parents do not listen to, nor understand them, they choose not to communicate with their parents resulting in isolation from their family. Without open communication, parents are unaware of what happens in their teen’s life and cannot support or protect him. As a parent, you can demonstrate interest in your teen’s thoughts by giving him your undivided attention as well as refrain from disrupting, judging or criticizing while he is speaking.

Second, when speaking with your teenager, try to make your point in a calm, controlled manner.  As an adult, it is important to model to your teen the ability to maintain self-control and restraint in stressful situations. You do not have to agree with your teen, but you need to show that you understand them. Open and honest communication with your adolescent can reduce conflicts or misunderstandings, as well as give them the support and the protection they need.

Finally, a strong relationship between a parent and their teenager has a protective factor.  Even when very stressed and overwhelmed, a teenager will be able to cope better with problems when she feels supported and understood by his family.  If your teen knows that his concerns and questions can be asked without judgment, he will likely come to you for help instead of seeking out peers, and risking the receipt of wrong or misleading information. Remember even if you feel like you’re repeating yourself over and over again, your adolescent does hear you and learn from you.

Alfreda Grosrenaud, M.D., Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist