Children Resolving Conflict: How We Can Help

“Stop it! That’s mine! Give it to me! I had it first! You’re cheating! I hate you!” and on and on. How many times have we found ourselves in the middle of childhood disagreements and disputes feeling like a referee instead of a parent. With my daughter getting older and participating in more peer activities, I find myself in the midst of these interactions on a regular basis. Whether disagreements happen between siblings or peers, they are a part of life. If we want children to get along, we must teach them problem-solving skills and ways of developing other options for getting what they want in socially acceptable ways. In teaching children how to resolve conflicts, we need to remember that younger children need more help from adults. They haven’t learned how to solve problems with words and may only know physical methods such as hitting, taking items, or even biting. Older children have some experience in resolving conflict with friends, but still need practice and will benefit from a balance of parental guidance and independent thinking.

So, how do we help? Here are some ideas.

First, make sure everyone is calm, including you. The fact is it’s difficult to think clearly and develop reasonable solutions when emotions are running high. Then, focus on the facts. Ask simple questions like “What happened?” calmly and without judgment, listening to each child as they give their side of the story without interruption. Children want to be heard. They are more likely to coooperate and engage in positive behaviors if they believe their thoughts and feelings are important.

Second, help the children name and define the problem in terms of what both of them want to happen. For example, “What can you do so you have room to build with blocks and Aron has room to play with his cars?” Also, spend some time allowing each child to express their feelings about what has happened. Children tend to focus on their own wants, needs and feelings so, it’s important for children to be aware of how others feel in order to generate solutions that are fair to all involved. Thus, developing understanding of and empathy for others.

Third, allow the children to develop ideas about how to solve the problem. Children will be more invested in resolving a disagreement if they are responsible for making decisions related to the solution. When they finish compiling and assessing their ideas, make a plan to execute the agreed upon solution. Then talk about the possible consequences of the solution. Ask “How would you feel if…?” or “What might happen if…?” Try out the agreed upon solution and alter the plan as needed.

Finally, we must remember that conflicts and disagreements are a part of life. As adults, we can help children resolve conflicts by keeping them focused, thinking of possible solutions and then letting them decide which one might work. Also, it’s important to recognize and acknowledge when children do cooperate and resolve their conflicts on their own. Ultimately, we want our children to be independent thinkers who are accountable for their behaviors. The best we can do as parents is provide them with the right tools for working out problems on their own, be supportive and know we’ve done the best job we can.

Danette Palomar, MA, CDS

Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor